Beard Trimmer
I got a haircut today. I hadn't shaven in a while because my hair was getting so long that, if I shaved, my head would be shaped all wrong. Once I got my haircut, the contrast in lengths rendered what had been stubble into full-on BEARD.
Of course, beards are for Minnesota winters, which is something I don't need to put up with down here in Tejas. When I shaved it, I shaved it into a ton of other different weird facial hair patters as I went. Absolutely every man alive does this. And absolutely every man alive contemplates just sticking with one of them. Me, I think the handlebar looks pretty kickin, but I'm already one of the only white people I know around here, so I feel it's my duty not to play up the white trash stereotype any more than absolutely necessary, and I already have tattoos and a car with lots of trash in it, so the moustache was just dead weight.